When I got back with my husband, I had a plethora of demands and complaints.
You spend too much time with your friends.
You work too much.
You’re not putting our marriage first!
All of these things say one thing: I miss you!
I’d love to spend more time together would have been a better approach.
But, I was still hurting and acting tough.
Looking back, I can see my negativity and insecurity.
But, at the time, I thought this was assertive.
Nope. It was control, driven by fear.
Fear that maybe he didn’t love me enough.
After pride comes, it’s ugly sister, Ego, follows.
My Ego said: he doesn’t deserve me. I can have any man I want.
It took having a conversation with a close friend for me to realize that pride and Ego were still stunting my growth.
Without hesitation, she blurted: You have pride issues, girl.
This phone conversation forced me to dig deeper into my behavior.
When I was younger, I thought my inflated Ego was a compliment to my character. To me, it meant I was a strong woman. I knew who I was and what I wanted.
Since, I’ve learned that an inflated Ego is a defense mechanism.
It’s a security gate built to keep others from hurting me.
Love makes requests.
Fear demands things.
If you want a deeper connection with your partner, learn the difference.
You know you are speaking out of fear when you become demanding. Or, start reminding them of how many other lovers you can have.
We can all have several partners if we choose. But, does that add any value to your life?
Does making that statement help bring you closer to your partner?
Instead, it creates more distance.
Everytime I complain about my husband, I decrease our level of intimacy.
In our home, we speak our desires. It is a ”no complain zone.”
Instead of saying: you’re messy, and you never clean up.
I make a loving request: I would love if the closet were cleaned this weekend.
And guess what? It gets cleaned.
If it doesn’t, oh well.
Remember, you are not your partner’s parent.
Focus on yourself and doing the things that bring you peace and joy.
You can’t control people. We struggle to control ourselves.
When I find myself being controlling, I ask myself: what’s the fear? What am I afraid of losing?
Recently, I was having a rough week, feeling lonely in a new city, and overwhelmed with my children. On top of that, Aundre had a heavier workload after an employee quit.
One night, he worked a 12-hour shift, and called to tell me that he was meeting up with a family friend and would be home later.
I wasn’t happy, and ordinarily, I would have demanded that he come home and relieve me of my stresses.
Instead, I paused and said: ok, babe, have fun.
When honestly, I didn’t care about him having fun. I wasn’t having any fun with our two hyperactive toddlers.
He needed to come home and suffer with me.
As valid as my feelings were, a negative attitude never serves us well.
And no one likes to feel controlled.
My goal is to grow closer to my husband. To achieve this, I have to do things differently than before.
So, I put on an attitude of gratitude and followed our phone conversation with an uplifting text message.
In the message, I thanked my husband for working so hard and allowing me to be home with our children. Some moms aren’t fortunate enough to do so.
I thanked him for being an excellent provider.
Then, I told him I missed him and spoke my desires.
I made a loving request for him to plan a date night for the two of us.
Immediately, Aundre called and said my message made him smile.
He revealed that he was under a lot of pressure and wasn’t feeling appreciated at work. But, said it felt good to feel valued by me.
Within an hour, my husband was home.
Complaining is just a lazy way of not communicating what you want.
My mama would always say: you can get more bees with honey than vinegar.
Meaning, you can win people more quickly by gentle persuasion and flattery than by hostile confrontation.
A better life starts with a better you.
If you are complaining about your partner, it is because you have an unmet need. Stop criticizing them and start speaking about your needs instead of their shortfalls.
Remove your hardshell and reveal your sweet and soft side, Jellybean.
Be vulnerable, value your partner, and receive the love you crave!