Why He Won’t ”Fess Up” and Why You Shouldn’t Make Him

Have you ever been frustrated by your partner’s refusal to take accountability.

I have, and it drives me insane! 

Just state the facts, is what I was trained to do as a TV journalist.

So, you can imagine how infuriating it is for me to back down when I call my husband out, and he won’t admit when he’s wrong, or conveniently can’t recall an offense.

Ironically, men are great at remembering all of your trip-ups. 

They’re so painfully sensitive you would think they would have more regard for your feelings. But nope, they can’t see past their fragile souls. 

Even when the evidence is clear, somehow, it’s not what it appears, or they diminish their role in the flagrant foul they have committed. 

Yes, you could have been more thoughtful, more loving, more understanding, better at listening, less critical, less selfish — but who wants to admit that? Not men.

It’s easier not to.

It’s easier to make you look crazy.  

He calls you crazy to avoid being accountable.

The diminishing drives me even more insane. 

Frustrated with this dance, I have asked my married friends: Is it that hard for men to admit their faults? 

The result was a unanimous, yes! 

Personal insight is excellent, but I needed professional backing to swallow this pill.

So, I asked my good friend, Google.

Through my search, it was made clear that men are more emotional than women and can’t withstand as much pain. 

So, when your husband makes a mistake or hurts you, he won’t confess because he’s more sensitive than he appears.

And, he is crippled by that male ego.

Psychologists say the reason the male species won’t “fess up” or can’t hear any criticism is because they feel awful when they have done something wrong. 

Some will get angry with you for exposing their weaknesses, and others act unbothered.

Psychologist Karen Sherman, says studies indicate that at a physiological level, men don’t tolerate conflict as well as women. 

They appear fine on the outside, but internally, they’re not okay.

On top of this, a dear friend of mine is a registered nurse, and she shared with me that male preemies in the neonatal unit don’t survive if they don’t receive a lot of skin to skin contact. 

But, female preemies are stronger. She says they can  survive without it. 

So, the issue of your husband not being able to acknowledge his faults is likely not going to change. He’s a sensitive soul —with a lot of maturing to do. 

What’s an empowered woman to do? 

Well, the great poet Maya Angelou said: 

If you can’t change something, change the way you think about it.

They’re not woman enough to stand in their truth. 

Here’s my confession: I didn’t know how to be married, in the first round. 

I was sometimes disrespectful with my words, and said hurtful things.

I would leave for days when things didn’t go my way and block my husband’s calls.  

I’m controlling.

I like to be right, and I won’t stop until you admit that I’m right. 

I have pride issues (i.e., I don’t need you, I can do this alone.) 

And, growing up without a father in my home, made it hard for me to respect my husband, unconditionally. I didn’t even know what that meant, or looked like. 

My mom was the boss, and she was always right. 

But self-righteousness is just as toxic to a marriage as your spouse’s refusal to take accountability. 

Religious leader, Hank Smith says:

Placing blame in marriage is like saying, “Your side of the boat is sinking.”

Competition is a form of separation. 

Unless, you’re aiming to be single, don’t  compete with you partner. 

Instead, choose peace. 

Marriage is an ongoing lesson in surrender, which makes it hard. 

Taking the high road and submitting is annoying; sometimes, we want to feed our egos.

But, the Bible encourages us to be committed:

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”

Galatians 6:9

To stay motivated, remind yourself of your “whys.”

Your family is your “why.”

Breaking generational curses is your “why.”

Don’t play the blame game with your partner.

Finger-pointing doesn’t inspire positive change.

Instead, let your husband be drawn to you by your gentle, pure, and kind spirit.

God sees your efforts.

Every time I let go and choose love, with no strings attached, something amazing happens. The world responds to me better. I’m more impactful.

My husband softens when I soften.

And, there is no scoreboard because we are on the same team.

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