Marriage requires a constant shift in perspective. If all I saw in my partner was disappointment, that’s all I’d feel.

But when I started to intentionally see the man who loves me, the father who’s doing his best, my heart began to soften.

I’ve learned that what you focus on expands, and I’ve found this to be true in our relationship. If I focus on gratitude instead of frustration, if I make loving requests instead of demands, everything changes. My husband starts to feel seen and appreciated, and in return, he begins showing up in ways I’ve been craving all along.

We’ve been working to break that cycle, and that has meant changing how we communicate, especially in tense moments. I learned something powerful from relationship expert Bruce Muzik: connect first, communicate later. At first, it sounded counterproductive. I thought: How can I connect when he’s driving me crazy and making my blood boil? Won’t that feel fake?

But the truth is, when we’re upset, we often distance ourselves emotionally or physically to protect ourselves. That instinct blocks the deeper connection we actually need.

When I’m upset, I tend to control or act self-righteous, judging and criticizing. What I didn’t see at first was how my venomous mouth was hurting my best friend—someone who already felt like he wasn’t measuring up. Cutting him down only made things worse. It didn’t move us closer. It didn’t create the intimacy we desired.

At a Christian marriage intensive, we learned that intimacy is simply this: into you, I see. In other words, we all just want to feel heard, understood, and seen.

In those moments of anger, we’ve had to learn to pause. 

Nothing productive comes from two heated, wounded people. Even if you’re the calm one, your partner can’t hear you when they’re triggered. I’ve had to learn that there’s a time and a place to hash things out, which is hard for me because I like to put everything on the table and problem-solve like a boss. But that “no tolerance for nonsense” mentality doesn’t work in a marriage or for intimacy, because love isn’t something you can control or manage like a checklist—it requires patience, vulnerability, and the understanding that some things can’t be solved in a single conversation.

The truth is, love doesn’t grow on autopilot. It’s something you have to choose every day, especially when things get tough.

My husband and I come from challenging family backgrounds—I was raised in a single-parent home, and he was adopted, never knowing who his father is. We didn’t have a blueprint for what a healthy marriage looks like, so we’ve had to create one ourselves.

We’re learning that breaking generational trauma is soul work. It’s not just about surviving marriage; it’s about doing the deep work to heal from the past and build a future that’s strong, loving, and secure for our children. We want them to grow up in a home that’s full of love and faith, even when things aren’t perfect.

Our relationship is bigger than just us—it’s about creating a new legacy for our family.

This journey hasn’t been easy, but I can say without a doubt that my husband and I are now experiencing the best love and intimacy we’ve ever had, even 10 years later.

If you’re in that place of frustration, know that it’s possible to stop complaining and start getting the love you crave from your partner. It takes faith, connection, and a willingness to listen and be heard.

Your best love story is still waiting to unfold.

Want to dive deeper into the tools for building a stronger, more intimate connection? Pre-purchase my upcoming book "Your Joy is Your Joy: A Real Guide to Living Fully & Authentically"  

And if you're curious about my full relationship journey, and ready to learn how we moved from hurt to healing stay tuned to my book Soft Strength: How I Let Go, Found Love Again, and Healed My Marriage , coming in 2025. 

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